[ There's something to be said about 10+ hour plane rides, particularly when planes in general are kind of a new concept. But traveling in a private cabin really makes the journey more than bearable; the bed provides ample room to stretch out in even if the rest of the suite is downright tiny compared to what he's becoming accustomed to. His view of modern society is becoming just the slightest bit skewed but there's nothing helping it really given his new companion.
So it's mostly smooth sailing from departure to arrival, with a quick stop along the way to drop off their bags at Hotel Ivy in Minneapolis. It's around this time that Hikage realizes he should probably tell Saphir that there's been a slight change in plans, but they're already so close that it seems pointless. Also hes entirely new to this hanging out thing in addition to this Subete thing, so can you really blame him? He does at least send one text "We'll be there soon." when they leave the hotel and then puts his phone away.
After an uneventful car ride, Hikage steps out of the cab dressed as close to fashion and comfort as he can manage given their long day so far (yes he has heeled sandals like a certain coffee angel), with a slight yawn. What time of day it is for Hikage is a mystery given the time difference, though hopefully staying up will help. ]
This must be it. It's a lot less...loud than I was expecting. [ Given Saphir's taste which have in his opinion, snowballed in the 20 year interim. And he could totally see him living in a bright purple house. That idle commentary aside, he rings the doorbell hopefully not startling the bird inside. ]
[After so long being jerked around on the Foundation's dime (penny? honestly the idea of the Foundation bothering to spend all that much on its agents is just both a literally and metaphorically foreign concept and also just seems like a waste of money and this is coming from the guy who just chartered a flight with a private cabin across the Pacific), Subete is really stretching his legs even in the necessarily cramped quarters of air travel; there's no reason flitting between Japan and the States has to be a chore when it will likely be on their regular travel itinerary for a while to come.
(He has plans for the future there too, if there's one thing he's good at overdoing it's plots and plans and surrounding himself in the creature comforts of life; growing up in modern capitalism and/or having money thrown at you instead of normal people relationships will do that to a guy.)
Speaking of planning and plotting, the Hotel Ivy is a good bit of insurance considering who they're visiting and where (in the plural); Saphir and Marona might not be closely associated with the Foundation anymore, and there might be twenty years and too much miasma in between everyone and the last time they all really bothered dealing with each other for an extended period in the same house, but sometimes it really pays to think things through. That's what he's here for, too.
(Where is the money for all their shenanigans coming from? Let's not ask unnecessary questions right off.)
Speaking of expensive shenanigans, in addition to his own somewhat less seasonal outfit (pants in olive, sunglasses just as douchey though), Subete is cradling a sleek bottle of sake fresh from the fridge and he's handed Hikage the other part of their traveling trophies: there may or may not be a considerable-sized giftbox all merrily wrapped up in red, but that's neither here nor there, because manners happen to the worst of us but doors have to happen first.]
Dare I ask what you were expecting? [there's a wry note to it mirrored in the amused curve of his mouth as he takes the place in; it's not like he was blind to the fact that Saphir tended to be blindingly extra in many respects and had only increased exponentially in that field in the years they'd been away, but still] But it certainly is much more surburban than I would have pictured. Maybe Marona talked some sense into him?
[ Saphir has been flitting about in anxious excitement all day, with perhaps a bit more resemblance than usual to his bird, from whom can indeed be heard a distant squawk when the doorbell rings.
He wasn't sure what to make of the "we" in that text he'd received, but though it had given him some pause, he'd managed to push it aside for the time being. There are things to straighten up, and blankets to set out downstairs, and rose tea to make!!!
He's clearly been deliberate in his style today -- a butterfly printed shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest, some snake-textured pants that are not at all seasonally appropriate, a familiar bracelet, and a pink flower necklace that is not as Much as it could have been. (He's also cooled it on the lipstick today, and just has a slightly tinted lip balm instead, though there's still a lot of eye makeup going on.)
He pauses at the door momentarily, carefully smoothing his hair and taking a deep breath and not even registering the fact that there are definitely two voices out there. Then the door opens, and he's there with a bright, genuine smile. ]
[ If Hikage had time to answer his response honestly may have resembled (albeit in words) what Saphir answered the door in. Except you know, in house form. But all he has time for is a wry amusement of his own, so that's probably what Saphir opened the door to: a shared smile and look that's just a bit intimate.
It doesn't last long though because suddenly Hikage has a lot more to look at. There's one blink at Saphir's outfit with a slight tilt of his head; he likes that shirt and it does get a small nod of approval, the bracelet doesn't go unnoticed either. He may have managed a small smile at their reunion and he may have not, but instead he's just blinking a bit more at the question.
(You'd think he would be prepared for this, but in many ways his life over the past several weeks has just been flying forward without real thought.) ]
He wanted to come. And we have our own hotel room, so it's easier this way. We brought omiyage for you too. [ He holds up the overly sized bag he's carrying that contains several ornately wrapped boxes. Marona's gifts were sent ahead, but there's even something for Saphir's bird here because this is just the life they live now. ]
[The wryness in that look only increases when Saphir comes sashaying to the door like a human personification of a somewhat toned down version of their collective(??) imaginary cupcake house; it could have been the contrast between the outfit and the decor, or it could have just been the immediate pall of awkwardness that descends like an anvil in, appropriately enough, one of those American cartoons.
Hidden behind his sunglasses, Subete regards Saphir's turnabout for a moment without really changing expression, before literally reaching up to tuck down his eyewear so he can throw another Look at Hikage -- this one's got the wry edge to it still seasoned with a liberal sprinkling of exasperation. He doesn't voice it, but it's a fairly eloquent, Did you really forget to tell him? sort of thing before he pushes his glasses back up. Sure is a good thing he made Hikage carry some of their haul just for that gesture, because he is going to need to start carrying some of the social momentum(???) here, probably?
Apart from the suggestion of a sigh in his voice, he joins the conversation smoothly enough.]
I helped make travel arrangements too, of course. There's still a possibility this guy would get himself lost somewhere between one coast and the next. [there's a droll quality in his voice but also like, it's not entirely out of the realm of possibility?? -- some old men really have only recently joined the 21st century] I'll wager he forgot about his cell phone for a while there, too.
Now. There's absolutely no traveling from Japan without omiyage, so I'm afraid you'll have to accept these along with the visit.
[There's a slight wave to the beautifully-packaged bottle of sake he's still holding like it's a small child or a particularly pampered pet.]
[ Funny how waking up after a pleasant night's sleep (or at least a well deserved nap, early dawn banter, and a cat nap for good measure) will make you a more functional person. A good breakfast helps too even if Hikage thinks Green Goddess is a ridiculous name for a dressing, it's actually quite good. His basic needs satisfied, he can focus on the more complicated things which is one way to describe last night.
Trying to actually describe it would likely be another disaster in itself.
Half of it he doesn't want to deal with right now, because his obstinacy is a trait that's present in all his moods. But the other half...he knows there's a few apologies he owes, and maybe some other things too. So he hits Marona up on her cellphone in the morning to ask if she wants to spend the day with him exploring some waterfall trails. He's careful to word it so that it's clear it's just the two of them. Maybe he's learning from his mistakes already?
Small talk will do while they're en route to the trail, but it'll be clear just from banal chatter that Hikage's in a much better place than yesterday. Once they're secluded among the leaves and nature, Hikage will get right into it though. ]
Hey. Last night was-sorry. There's probably some questions you have for me, right?
[The fact that he's learning is appreciated, because she really was looking forward to spending time with Hikage and not especially his attachment. She's quick to agree to go with him, or at least, as quick as she can be when she's also frankly terrible at texting. The nature is appreciated, too, even if she has a marked tendency to pause to look at certain natural life with an evaluating eye that isn't necessarily interested strictly in aesthetic.]
...A few. I really wasn't expecting to see Mr. Subete of all people, too.
[Politely neutral, but that's the usual for her, has been since long before she came to this world. It's honed by years of learning not to pick fights with the people providing the money that feeds you, no matter how disparaging they may be.]
I was surprised he wanted to come. [ That's laid bare and easy for her to hear its the truth. He...still doesn't know exactly what he's doing, just that he's doing it and this is his life now. ]
I've never had to do this before, and if it wasn't you I wouldn't bother. [ This does not bode well for his talk with Saphir but one thing at a time. ] But you deserves answers...as much as I can provide anyway.
So ask what you want, unless you want me to start there. [ On why Subete, he means. He's going to keep moving in the meantime, never getting far ahead but inspecting plants and keeping an eye out for butterflies. He just really needs to keep in some kind of motion, for his sake. ]
I think I would like to know how it started. He wasn't ever very nice to me.
[Which doesn't actually bother her in the sense that she's used to it, that's just her experience with him personally, and it shows in her actual level tone, not particularly controlled at the moment. Was he different when it came to Hikage?]
[ She really couldn't go easy on him huh. But Hikage deserves this and he did agree to it, so. He pauses awkwardly and redoubles his effort to find a butterfly in the foliage around them. ]
That's....yeah. [ Off to a great start, he swallows and then tries again. ]
It was my fault. You remember what happened to me in the second trial, right? When I woke up after that I was-it was difficult to act how I had been, up until then. Feeling despair like that just made me want to break something, and Subete, well he was himself. He made some stupid comment about my eye and knelt down to get a better look, so I just reached out and read his memories.
I'm pretty sure he threw me in response, but it was worth it to catch him off guard. It was a game, after that. I saw something I wasn't supposed to, and I just wanted to go deeper and deeper. From then on, whatever I could do to get at him I would.
[ Another pause, but the source of this one is obvious; a text message that he looks at with a huff. A short time later after tapping out a response (he's still not fast with text but he doesn't need to be if his reply is short) and he continues. ]
...I know how to court others. Love and despair can easily go hand in hand, you know? I wasn't serious when I was talking with him, I just wanted to knock him off center again. You could say a similar thing happened with Saphir too.
I'm not really sure when that changed. I was never seriously interested in a relationship, let alone one with a man. I think at some point, I realized I couldn't stop. And that I didn't want to.
[ It's a new day, so that's... something. The French toast was still pretty good, Saphir thinks, even if the scene at the table this morning wasn't what he had planned for. (At least it was closer than yesterday's.) He isn't really sure if he should try to explain himself or not, but unlike the people he always seems to fall for, he isn't someone who can leave things alone and walk away. Even when it just ends with him digging himself into an even deeper hole.
Whenever Marona and Hikage return, he's there to welcome them. He doesn't look like he's trying so hard today, in a more expected shirt and a suitably quirky necklace, with less eye makeup than the day before -- lessons learned, maybe, since with all the crying he did yesterday, there's no way that ended well.
He's still quieter than usual, and visibly anxious, fidgeting with one of the screws on his necklace as he finally addresses Hikage individually. ]
[ When Hikage drops Marona off it's just about evening, around 5pm give or take. His dress is different today too, but that's more a product of being outdoors than anything else; a stylized light sports sports jacket that's unbuttoned with a cherry tank top, black shorts and bright red sneakers. Judging by his demeanor the excursion today seems to have gone alright, that slight scowl of his being his typical baseline.
There's a slight raise of his eyebrow when Saphir approaches, but it may just be him taking in the bright attire and accessories. Not that he should be one to talk really, but that's never stopped Hikage before. And when the question is posed to him, rather than respond right away he moves his sleeve to glance at an ornate watch that looks like it cost someone's salary and then some. ]
Fine, but I can't stay all night. [ No sing song, just his usual cool level. ]
[ There's a twinge of disappointment watching Hikage check his watch before accepting, like he's not sure if Saphir is worth his time or not. Does he really have that many time-sensitive plans here? ]
R-right. We can just stay outside and go around to the backyard, if you'd rather not come inside again.
[ He'll let Hikage decide, though. In any case, he continues. ]
Anyway, I... I don't like how things went yesterday, which I acknowledge is partly my fault, and I wanted to explain where I'm coming from. You're still very important to me, even-- even if it isn't mutual, and I don't want to give the wrong impression.
The backyard. I've spent more than enough time in houses by now. [ He'll follow Saphir once they start to head that way. (It wasn't like he hated being indoors per se but grander more open rooms were preferable, and his scale on that is becoming just a bit warped.) As for his plans, not really, but the one he does have matters. And he's a pretty punctual person besides.
He'll listen as Saphir speaks, the only sound the grass under his feet until the end where he scoffs. ]
Didn't I tell you once before not to answer for me? But go on.
[ He's not going to get into the semantics of these "even if" statements he keeps making, so he just nods.
Behind the house, he comes to a stop in front of one of the thin pillars that holds up the deck above, standing with his back against it and crossing his arms. It's not really a yard so much as an expanse of grass shared by the houses on the block, but he didn't have much need for a fenced-in yard anyway. He briefly glances up at the deck of the adjoined house next door to make sure the neighbors aren't listening in on this, but no one else is outside, thankfully.
He closes his eyes and exhales. He'd taken an hour-long bath last night during which he'd tried to work out his thoughts on this, but maybe he should have practiced explaining them all in front of a mirror or something. ]
Um. So, what you told me back at that hotel before, when you-- [ He can't bring himself to say "kissed me" out loud, but the redness in his cheeks probably helps narrow down what he's referring to. ] W-well, you probably remember.
[ He tucks his hair behind his ear, the same kind of unconscious, shy gesture from when Hikage had given him that paper flower a long time ago. ]
I-I know I said back then that it was nice to hear that, and it... was. No one I'd liked had ever been interested in me, there was always someone else that they liked instead, and they never saw me that way. S-so, in that sense, it was nice to know that someone like you could have found me appealing, and it was nice of you to say so.
[ He hopes it's clear that he's not trying to tell him he said anything wrong, but it probably won't be, because he sucks at this. ]
But it... also would have been much easier to deal with-- with all of this, if I could have kept assuming I never would have had a chance anyway. Y-you know, as usual. [ He swallows. ] The thought that I actually could have been with you if I'd done something different, but that I'd ruined everything myself and missed that chance... It's been hard to stop thinking about that. Or to stop hating myself for it.
[ Because he accepted years ago that he couldn't have a future with anyone in this world, but it's still been really, really lonely. ]
I wanted to think that maybe-- [ Ugh, this part really sounds pathetic and embarrassing. ] I mean, you're not as young you look, right? S-so maybe it wouldn't have to be completely out of the question, if you still liked being with me.
[ Definitely keeping his eyes fixed down on the grass at that part. ]
But if it was, then... it would hurt, but I thought it would be okay. Because I wanted to be your friend and support you no matter what. And if you'd shown up with someone I'd never met before, I think I would have been all right with that. I mean, it still would have hurt, because apparently everything is always going to hurt, but... getting a fresh start or whatever, that's something I definitely couldn't give you, so...
[ His mouth feels dry from talking this much, and he trails off there for the moment. There are definitely... things he needs to say about Subete in particular, but he also needs to try to frame them in a minimally inflammatory way, which again, is really not his specialty. ]
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reanimania) wrote2020-06-18 07:45 am
Mario Kart
Introductions(?) 1/2
So it's mostly smooth sailing from departure to arrival, with a quick stop along the way to drop off their bags at Hotel Ivy in Minneapolis. It's around this time that Hikage realizes he should probably tell Saphir that there's been a slight change in plans, but they're already so close that it seems pointless. Also hes entirely new to this hanging out thing in addition to this Subete thing, so can you really blame him? He does at least send one text "We'll be there soon." when they leave the hotel and then puts his phone away.
After an uneventful car ride, Hikage steps out of the cab dressed as close to fashion and comfort as he can manage given their long day so far (yes he has heeled sandals like a certain coffee angel), with a slight yawn. What time of day it is for Hikage is a mystery given the time difference, though hopefully staying up will help. ]
This must be it. It's a lot less...loud than I was expecting. [ Given Saphir's taste which have in his opinion, snowballed in the 20 year interim. And he could totally see him living in a bright purple house. That idle commentary aside, he rings the doorbell hopefully not startling the bird inside. ]
Introductions more like Home Invasion 2/2
(He has plans for the future there too, if there's one thing he's good at overdoing it's plots and plans and surrounding himself in the creature comforts of life; growing up in modern capitalism and/or having money thrown at you instead of normal people relationships will do that to a guy.)
Speaking of planning and plotting, the Hotel Ivy is a good bit of insurance considering who they're visiting and where (in the plural); Saphir and Marona might not be closely associated with the Foundation anymore, and there might be twenty years and too much miasma in between everyone and the last time they all really bothered dealing with each other for an extended period in the same house, but sometimes it really pays to think things through. That's what he's here for, too.
(Where is the money for all their shenanigans coming from? Let's not ask unnecessary questions right off.)
Speaking of expensive shenanigans, in addition to his own somewhat less seasonal outfit (pants in olive, sunglasses just as douchey though), Subete is cradling a sleek bottle of sake fresh from the fridge and he's handed Hikage the other part of their traveling trophies: there may or may not be a considerable-sized giftbox all merrily wrapped up in red, but that's neither here nor there, because manners happen to the worst of us but doors have to happen first.]
Dare I ask what you were expecting? [there's a wry note to it mirrored in the amused curve of his mouth as he takes the place in; it's not like he was blind to the fact that Saphir tended to be blindingly extra in many respects and had only increased exponentially in that field in the years they'd been away, but still] But it certainly is much more surburban than I would have pictured. Maybe Marona talked some sense into him?
[#helping or #justrhetoricalthings]
1/3
He wasn't sure what to make of the "we" in that text he'd received, but though it had given him some pause, he'd managed to push it aside for the time being. There are things to straighten up, and blankets to set out downstairs, and rose tea to make!!!
He's clearly been deliberate in his style today -- a butterfly printed shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest, some snake-textured pants that are not at all seasonally appropriate, a familiar bracelet, and a pink flower necklace that is not as Much as it could have been. (He's also cooled it on the lipstick today, and just has a slightly tinted lip balm instead, though there's still a lot of eye makeup going on.)
He pauses at the door momentarily, carefully smoothing his hair and taking a deep breath and not even registering the fact that there are definitely two voices out there. Then the door opens, and he's there with a bright, genuine smile. ]
Welcome!! I'm happy to--
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3/3
What is he doing here?
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It doesn't last long though because suddenly Hikage has a lot more to look at. There's one blink at Saphir's outfit with a slight tilt of his head; he likes that shirt and it does get a small nod of approval, the bracelet doesn't go unnoticed either. He may have managed a small smile at their reunion and he may have not, but instead he's just blinking a bit more at the question.
(You'd think he would be prepared for this, but in many ways his life over the past several weeks has just been flying forward without real thought.) ]
He wanted to come. And we have our own hotel room, so it's easier this way. We brought omiyage for you too. [ He holds up the overly sized bag he's carrying that contains several ornately wrapped boxes. Marona's gifts were sent ahead, but there's even something for Saphir's bird here because this is just the life they live now. ]
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Hidden behind his sunglasses, Subete regards Saphir's turnabout for a moment without really changing expression, before literally reaching up to tuck down his eyewear so he can throw another Look at Hikage -- this one's got the wry edge to it still seasoned with a liberal sprinkling of exasperation. He doesn't voice it, but it's a fairly eloquent, Did you really forget to tell him? sort of thing before he pushes his glasses back up. Sure is a good thing he made Hikage carry some of their haul just for that gesture, because he is going to need to start carrying some of the social momentum(???) here, probably?
Apart from the suggestion of a sigh in his voice, he joins the conversation smoothly enough.]
I helped make travel arrangements too, of course. There's still a possibility this guy would get himself lost somewhere between one coast and the next. [there's a droll quality in his voice but also like, it's not entirely out of the realm of possibility?? -- some old men really have only recently joined the 21st century] I'll wager he forgot about his cell phone for a while there, too.
Now. There's absolutely no traveling from Japan without omiyage, so I'm afraid you'll have to accept these along with the visit.
[There's a slight wave to the beautifully-packaged bottle of sake he's still holding like it's a small child or a particularly pampered pet.]
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marona texts
Re: marona texts
What?
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????????????
He didn't say anything about this to you either, right??
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I'll be up in a minute.
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Thank you.
saturday evening
If you want to join me, I think I'm going to start practicing this game so I can kick Subete's butt whenever we finally play it.
Re: saturday evening
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Sibling Saturday
Trying to actually describe it would likely be another disaster in itself.
Half of it he doesn't want to deal with right now, because his obstinacy is a trait that's present in all his moods. But the other half...he knows there's a few apologies he owes, and maybe some other things too. So he hits Marona up on her cellphone in the morning to ask if she wants to spend the day with him exploring some waterfall trails. He's careful to word it so that it's clear it's just the two of them. Maybe he's learning from his mistakes already?
Small talk will do while they're en route to the trail, but it'll be clear just from banal chatter that Hikage's in a much better place than yesterday. Once they're secluded among the leaves and nature, Hikage will get right into it though. ]
Hey. Last night was-sorry. There's probably some questions you have for me, right?
Re: Sibling Saturday
...A few. I really wasn't expecting to see Mr. Subete of all people, too.
[Politely neutral, but that's the usual for her, has been since long before she came to this world. It's honed by years of learning not to pick fights with the people providing the money that feeds you, no matter how disparaging they may be.]
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I've never had to do this before, and if it wasn't you I wouldn't bother. [ This does not bode well for his talk with Saphir but one thing at a time. ] But you deserves answers...as much as I can provide anyway.
So ask what you want, unless you want me to start there. [ On why Subete, he means. He's going to keep moving in the meantime, never getting far ahead but inspecting plants and keeping an eye out for butterflies. He just really needs to keep in some kind of motion, for his sake. ]
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Poor Saphir.]
I think I would like to know how it started. He wasn't ever very nice to me.
[Which doesn't actually bother her in the sense that she's used to it, that's just her experience with him personally, and it shows in her actual level tone, not particularly controlled at the moment. Was he different when it came to Hikage?]
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That's....yeah. [ Off to a great start, he swallows and then tries again. ]
It was my fault. You remember what happened to me in the second trial, right? When I woke up after that I was-it was difficult to act how I had been, up until then. Feeling despair like that just made me want to break something, and Subete, well he was himself. He made some stupid comment about my eye and knelt down to get a better look, so I just reached out and read his memories.
I'm pretty sure he threw me in response, but it was worth it to catch him off guard. It was a game, after that. I saw something I wasn't supposed to, and I just wanted to go deeper and deeper. From then on, whatever I could do to get at him I would.
[ Another pause, but the source of this one is obvious; a text message that he looks at with a huff. A short time later after tapping out a response (he's still not fast with text but he doesn't need to be if his reply is short) and he continues. ]
...I know how to court others. Love and despair can easily go hand in hand, you know? I wasn't serious when I was talking with him, I just wanted to knock him off center again. You could say a similar thing happened with Saphir too.
I'm not really sure when that changed. I was never seriously interested in a relationship, let alone one with a man. I think at some point, I realized I couldn't stop. And that I didn't want to.
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and saphir saturday
Whenever Marona and Hikage return, he's there to welcome them. He doesn't look like he's trying so hard today, in a more expected shirt and a suitably quirky necklace, with less eye makeup than the day before -- lessons learned, maybe, since with all the crying he did yesterday, there's no way that ended well.
He's still quieter than usual, and visibly anxious, fidgeting with one of the screws on his necklace as he finally addresses Hikage individually. ]
Can I, um. Can I talk with you for a while?
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There's a slight raise of his eyebrow when Saphir approaches, but it may just be him taking in the bright attire and accessories. Not that he should be one to talk really, but that's never stopped Hikage before. And when the question is posed to him, rather than respond right away he moves his sleeve to glance at an ornate watch that looks like it cost someone's salary and then some. ]
Fine, but I can't stay all night. [ No sing song, just his usual cool level. ]
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R-right. We can just stay outside and go around to the backyard, if you'd rather not come inside again.
[ He'll let Hikage decide, though. In any case, he continues. ]
Anyway, I... I don't like how things went yesterday, which I acknowledge is partly my fault, and I wanted to explain where I'm coming from. You're still very important to me, even-- even if it isn't mutual, and I don't want to give the wrong impression.
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He'll listen as Saphir speaks, the only sound the grass under his feet until the end where he scoffs. ]
Didn't I tell you once before not to answer for me? But go on.
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Behind the house, he comes to a stop in front of one of the thin pillars that holds up the deck above, standing with his back against it and crossing his arms. It's not really a yard so much as an expanse of grass shared by the houses on the block, but he didn't have much need for a fenced-in yard anyway. He briefly glances up at the deck of the adjoined house next door to make sure the neighbors aren't listening in on this, but no one else is outside, thankfully.
He closes his eyes and exhales. He'd taken an hour-long bath last night during which he'd tried to work out his thoughts on this, but maybe he should have practiced explaining them all in front of a mirror or something. ]
Um. So, what you told me back at that hotel before, when you-- [ He can't bring himself to say "kissed me" out loud, but the redness in his cheeks probably helps narrow down what he's referring to. ] W-well, you probably remember.
[ He tucks his hair behind his ear, the same kind of unconscious, shy gesture from when Hikage had given him that paper flower a long time ago. ]
I-I know I said back then that it was nice to hear that, and it... was. No one I'd liked had ever been interested in me, there was always someone else that they liked instead, and they never saw me that way. S-so, in that sense, it was nice to know that someone like you could have found me appealing, and it was nice of you to say so.
[ He hopes it's clear that he's not trying to tell him he said anything wrong, but it probably won't be, because he sucks at this. ]
But it... also would have been much easier to deal with-- with all of this, if I could have kept assuming I never would have had a chance anyway. Y-you know, as usual. [ He swallows. ] The thought that I actually could have been with you if I'd done something different, but that I'd ruined everything myself and missed that chance... It's been hard to stop thinking about that. Or to stop hating myself for it.
[ Because he accepted years ago that he couldn't have a future with anyone in this world, but it's still been really, really lonely. ]
I wanted to think that maybe-- [ Ugh, this part really sounds pathetic and embarrassing. ] I mean, you're not as young you look, right? S-so maybe it wouldn't have to be completely out of the question, if you still liked being with me.
[ Definitely keeping his eyes fixed down on the grass at that part. ]
But if it was, then... it would hurt, but I thought it would be okay. Because I wanted to be your friend and support you no matter what. And if you'd shown up with someone I'd never met before, I think I would have been all right with that. I mean, it still would have hurt, because apparently everything is always going to hurt, but... getting a fresh start or whatever, that's something I definitely couldn't give you, so...
[ His mouth feels dry from talking this much, and he trails off there for the moment. There are definitely... things he needs to say about Subete in particular, but he also needs to try to frame them in a minimally inflammatory way, which again, is really not his specialty. ]
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1/2 (ai: som spoilers)
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