I wasn't trying to prove anything to you, I was trying to keep the promises I made to save the people we cared about! If I'd known that dying there wouldn't really have been the end, and that I would have made so little progress in all this time anyway, then I would have gladly let you drag me down! At least you wanted me there then.
[ Jade probably would have considered being stuck with him for eternity a fate worse than hell. ]
There are parts of you that scare me and hurt me sometimes, but I can still accept them. I don't have to like everything you do to like you, and I keep telling you I don't care if you're a good person or not. I mean-- we're both villains, right?
[ There's a bit of a nervous laugh there, but it just sounds desperate more than anything, voiced through tears and punctuated with a sniff. His shoulders tense, and he hugs his arms tighter to his chest, like a piece of paper folding in on itself. ]
Even if you seriously do believe I deserve better... there isn't anything better!! It's not like I can move on and find someone else when I can't even tell anyone in this horrible world who I am or about any of the things that are important to me! I already tried that years ago, and it--
[ ...Well, he doesn't really want to go into that, but the fact that it had just been him and his bird in that house for almost a decade before Marona came back with him probably speaks for itself. ]
If I really deserve better, why do I always have to end up alone?
...I told you, remember? We made our choices, that's all it is or was. [ He doesn't really know what else to say to that and he's the wrong person to be talking to about this when his entire life has been a result of trying to fix one wrong until very recently.
With a sigh, his hand drops down to his side and he fidgets with the watch on his wrist. ]
You can accept them maybe, yeah. But you don't like them and Subete does. [ A little shaky, but without Subete here he doesn't need to worry too much about the emotion behind his words bleeding through. ] Whether you're a villain or not...Giovanni called himself one too, and he couldn't even bring himself to keep me in line when he was the vessel.
[ After a beat he shakes his head and glances over at Saphir.
Ah...he's not good at this even when he wants to be and right now he's running on impulse and feeling he like wants to bolt but staying put because he feels like he owes that at least. ]
I don't know. You should ask someone else...I was alone for over a hundred years, but that's because I was a coward and countless other reasons.
You should be talking to someone else about this, not me. But because you can't I'll tell you something a stupid girl told me a world away.
[ A pause before he decides there's only one way to do this because speaking in his voice would be worse so... Saphir will hear the flutter of wings and if he looks over he'll see to see a girl where Hikage was a moment ago. ]
There's someone for everyone, even you Hikage! You might not be interested now, but love always happens when you least expect it even if you've given up. And even if you try to run away...you're running away to prove my point right now, aren't you?
[ He drops the form when he's done and settles back into the pillar again, looking to the sky. ]
She was an idiot and her stupidity killed her, though I helped. But everything she said couldn't have been wrong unless she was some kind of genius ignoramus.
[ He blinks. Ah... That's a little jarring. She's beautiful, though, and he watches that unnamed form with mild fascination until it's gone. Then, after a few seconds, he turns away again, to stare ahead toward the road past the trees.
...
Mm. They're nice words, but they don't really apply to his situation, do they? He obviously is interested now, and if he actually had something real, he'd never, ever run away from it. But he can't; unless he wants to go back to the Foundation, he really doesn't have any choice but to keep his entire life a lie. And there's no one there for him who hasn't already found someone they like better anyway, so... ]
Maybe if I was in my own world, but I don't think there's any way that can be true here.
[ There's no reason for there to be anyone for him here, when he's not supposed to be in this world in the first place. ]
...I do appreciate the attempt to make me feel better, though. Thank you.
I would mention the Foundation, but we both know I couldn't suggest them seriously. [ Just a hint of darkness there, and he folds his arms as he properly resettles. He can look past the thanks because it makes him feel weird for multiple reasons. ]
[ He'd certainly been vocal enough about that up until now. Though if he's honest, he's less sure than he used to be. He wants to believe he can change the written future just like how the Score was finally overturned, but... ]
Because if it turns out that I can't actually change anything, then I'm going to be abandoned again, and I'm going to spend another fifteen years by myself failing to bring the Professor back, and then Jade and his new friends are going to kill me!
[ ...That last part isn't actually true, but the sidequest that shows he survived wasn't in the anime, so he doesn't know that. ]
Looking at that potential future really is useless. [ It's said more to himself even if he's not entirely averse to going down that rabbit hole. He's kind of made his own decision already as far as his future goes, if he gets that far. But that's something he doesn't plan to tell anyone because he's just this way.
But onto the now: ]
Then you have the safe option of going back with someone else. I'm sure someone would take you in if it came down to that.
[ He bristles slightly at that, though it's probably hard to see from where he's seated on the ground. ]
...I never really told you about the Score, did I? I think I only ever mentioned it offhandedly, because I never cared that much about it when all I was concerned with was following Jade.
[ And because he hadn't known how Hikage would have felt about it, and he didn't want to say anything that would make him decide against coming back to his world with him, but that... probably doesn't matter now. ]
My planet's entire future was written down two thousand years ago, and the future of every individual person is already recorded at the time of their birth. Every year on your birthday, a Scorer gives you a summary of every major event that's going to happen to you in the coming year. The religion and political systems and everything are all built around it, and some rely on its guidance for even the most minute decisions in their lives.
[ His voice is still somewhat weak and nasal, but at least he can manage to sound a little more collected when he's jut reciting facts about his own world. ]
While it isn't absolute after all, it still requires a drastic change that would directly affect the Planet Score to actually push its predictions off course, because it's able to self correct for minor aberrations.
So it's not-- it's not as simple as just writing it off as a potential future that can easily be changed.
[ He sighs, shaking his head. ]
Anyway, I don't want to go to anyone else's world. I'm tired of being a third wheel, and I'd run into the same issues I have here, but with the added negative of having to rebuild everything I already have.
That seems too convenient. I don't know the rules, but there's always a way to increase your odds, or cheat. [ Maybe it's kind of flippant but this isn't something he understands given his entire life. Even if he was fated to be miserable, there's no way someone or some greater power conspired to create an entire dimension just for him. ]
I would call everything the Foundation is wrapped up in, including our existence, "drastic" enough. [ Scoff. ]
Well, that's certainly my hope, but it also depends on exactly how we return. If we go back to exactly the point we came from without any of our memories from this world, then it's unlikely that anything will change at all.
[ But he... doesn't want to keep these new memories, honestly. If he could choose two or three to send himself back with as guideposts for changing his path, that would be one thing, but if it were a matter of merging this consciousness with his younger self's, or worse, replacing it, he thinks he might prefer to just erase his current self entirely. ]
No? Nearly everyone already has someone they like better, either in this world or theirs. But like I said, I'm not interested in starting over in some new place either.
[ That has given him something else to think over, which isn't great honestly. He doesn't want to deal with it right now and he spends several moments pulling out his phone, texting something and then sliding it back into his pocket. ]
I don't know what to tell you, Saphir. If that's the way you see your future then accept it or break it. You don't need to like Subete and you don't need to like that we're together, nor do you need to understand it. I said what I said last night because it's the truth, and it's not changing. For as long as we're in this world we'll be together—those are the words we gave to each other.
I can pick up Marona whenever you're not around for the rest of this week.
[ ...No, he supposes they're not. They'd always been the one thing he'd held onto, though. He'd never been able to see any future that wasn't tied to the past... or, well, maybe it's more that he'd just never wanted to try. ]
I don't either! And I hate being like this too, you know! I just-- I wish I could at least be sure of anything like I used to be.
[ He just kind of buries his face in his knees after that, and tunes out everything after "you don't need to like Subete" because good, they're on the same page if they leave it there.
There's a bit of a delay, but Marona's name manages to snap him back to attention once he registers it. He raises his head again, blinking. ]
...fine. I don't need your support, but I'm not going to just take you disparaging us. [ That's what set him off last night, because he does have a protective streak. ]
I could buy the actual arcade machine of the game if I wanted. [ But he's not going to repeat that he came here for them, so that inference will have to do. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
reanimania) wrote2020-06-18 07:45 am
no subject
[ Jade probably would have considered being stuck with him for eternity a fate worse than hell. ]
There are parts of you that scare me and hurt me sometimes, but I can still accept them. I don't have to like everything you do to like you, and I keep telling you I don't care if you're a good person or not. I mean-- we're both villains, right?
[ There's a bit of a nervous laugh there, but it just sounds desperate more than anything, voiced through tears and punctuated with a sniff. His shoulders tense, and he hugs his arms tighter to his chest, like a piece of paper folding in on itself. ]
Even if you seriously do believe I deserve better... there isn't anything better!! It's not like I can move on and find someone else when I can't even tell anyone in this horrible world who I am or about any of the things that are important to me! I already tried that years ago, and it--
[ ...Well, he doesn't really want to go into that, but the fact that it had just been him and his bird in that house for almost a decade before Marona came back with him probably speaks for itself. ]
If I really deserve better, why do I always have to end up alone?
no subject
With a sigh, his hand drops down to his side and he fidgets with the watch on his wrist. ]
You can accept them maybe, yeah. But you don't like them and Subete does. [ A little shaky, but without Subete here he doesn't need to worry too much about the emotion behind his words bleeding through. ] Whether you're a villain or not...Giovanni called himself one too, and he couldn't even bring himself to keep me in line when he was the vessel.
[ After a beat he shakes his head and glances over at Saphir.
Ah...he's not good at this even when he wants to be and right now he's running on impulse and feeling he like wants to bolt but staying put because he feels like he owes that at least. ]
I don't know. You should ask someone else...I was alone for over a hundred years, but that's because I was a coward and countless other reasons.
no subject
He sinks down to sit on the grass, drawing his knees up to his chest. ]
There isn't anyone else.
[ He doesn't know what else to say either. It's a simple fact. ]
no subject
[ A pause before he decides there's only one way to do this because speaking in his voice would be worse so... Saphir will hear the flutter of wings and if he looks over he'll see to see a girl where Hikage was a moment ago. ]
There's someone for everyone, even you Hikage! You might not be interested now, but love always happens when you least expect it even if you've given up. And even if you try to run away...you're running away to prove my point right now, aren't you?
[ He drops the form when he's done and settles back into the pillar again, looking to the sky. ]
She was an idiot and her stupidity killed her, though I helped. But everything she said couldn't have been wrong unless she was some kind of genius ignoramus.
no subject
...
Mm. They're nice words, but they don't really apply to his situation, do they? He obviously is interested now, and if he actually had something real, he'd never, ever run away from it. But he can't; unless he wants to go back to the Foundation, he really doesn't have any choice but to keep his entire life a lie. And there's no one there for him who hasn't already found someone they like better anyway, so... ]
Maybe if I was in my own world, but I don't think there's any way that can be true here.
[ There's no reason for there to be anyone for him here, when he's not supposed to be in this world in the first place. ]
...I do appreciate the attempt to make me feel better, though. Thank you.
no subject
Isn't it your goal to make it back one day?
no subject
[ He'd certainly been vocal enough about that up until now. Though if he's honest, he's less sure than he used to be. He wants to believe he can change the written future just like how the Score was finally overturned, but... ]
I think.
no subject
no subject
[ ...That last part isn't actually true, but the sidequest that shows he survived wasn't in the anime, so he doesn't know that. ]
no subject
But onto the now: ]
Then you have the safe option of going back with someone else. I'm sure someone would take you in if it came down to that.
no subject
...I never really told you about the Score, did I? I think I only ever mentioned it offhandedly, because I never cared that much about it when all I was concerned with was following Jade.
[ And because he hadn't known how Hikage would have felt about it, and he didn't want to say anything that would make him decide against coming back to his world with him, but that... probably doesn't matter now. ]
My planet's entire future was written down two thousand years ago, and the future of every individual person is already recorded at the time of their birth. Every year on your birthday, a Scorer gives you a summary of every major event that's going to happen to you in the coming year. The religion and political systems and everything are all built around it, and some rely on its guidance for even the most minute decisions in their lives.
[ His voice is still somewhat weak and nasal, but at least he can manage to sound a little more collected when he's jut reciting facts about his own world. ]
While it isn't absolute after all, it still requires a drastic change that would directly affect the Planet Score to actually push its predictions off course, because it's able to self correct for minor aberrations.
So it's not-- it's not as simple as just writing it off as a potential future that can easily be changed.
[ He sighs, shaking his head. ]
Anyway, I don't want to go to anyone else's world. I'm tired of being a third wheel, and I'd run into the same issues I have here, but with the added negative of having to rebuild everything I already have.
no subject
I would call everything the Foundation is wrapped up in, including our existence, "drastic" enough. [ Scoff. ]
Wouldn't you be a second one, in most cases?
no subject
[ But he... doesn't want to keep these new memories, honestly. If he could choose two or three to send himself back with as guideposts for changing his path, that would be one thing, but if it were a matter of merging this consciousness with his younger self's, or worse, replacing it, he thinks he might prefer to just erase his current self entirely. ]
No? Nearly everyone already has someone they like better, either in this world or theirs. But like I said, I'm not interested in starting over in some new place either.
no subject
[ That has given him something else to think over, which isn't great honestly. He doesn't want to deal with it right now and he spends several moments pulling out his phone, texting something and then sliding it back into his pocket. ]
I don't know what to tell you, Saphir. If that's the way you see your future then accept it or break it. You don't need to like Subete and you don't need to like that we're together, nor do you need to understand it. I said what I said last night because it's the truth, and it's not changing. For as long as we're in this world we'll be together—those are the words we gave to each other.
I can pick up Marona whenever you're not around for the rest of this week.
no subject
I don't either! And I hate being like this too, you know! I just-- I wish I could at least be sure of anything like I used to be.
[ He just kind of buries his face in his knees after that, and tunes out everything after "you don't need to like Subete" because good, they're on the same page if they leave it there.
There's a bit of a delay, but Marona's name manages to snap him back to attention once he registers it. He raises his head again, blinking. ]
W-what do you mean when I'm not around?
no subject
[ He's kind of said it already but if he needs to be more blunt then that's fine too. ]
no subject
no subject
no subject
[ And because if you get used to not having him around and realize how much better things are without him then you'll never come back again-- ]
Don't take this away from me!
no subject
...fine. I don't need your support, but I'm not going to just take you disparaging us. [ That's what set him off last night, because he does have a protective streak. ]
no subject
Fine, just-- don't rub it in my face on purpose, please.
no subject
I won't. But I'm not going to pretend for your sake, either. [ After a final look at the sky he separates himself from the pillar. ]
We have plans tonight, but I can see about sometime during the week.
no subject
[ It probably clearly isn't, but whatever. ]
We still need to play that game, since you came all the way here for it, so...
no subject
I'll pick up another controller too.
no subject
[ He looks up from his spot in the grass and forces a smile. ]
W-well. I guess I'll see you then.
[ ... ]
Have a good time.
(no subject)