...I guess you wouldn't have been aware of her side of that exchange since it was on paper and you were presumably preoccupied anyway.
But yes, I argued that I wouldn't have murdered my friend, and she said I didn't HAVE any friends because I just use people and don't care about anyone.
Which was INFURIATING since practically everything I ever did was for Jade's sake, so she obviously didn't know what the hell she was talking about!!!
I mean, I WAS using HER, but I'd thought that was always mutually understood, so. Whatever.
Anyway, I keep my promises when I care about them, obviously, and I won't betray anyone who's important to me.
[ just if they're not on that short list, he really doesn't care. ]
One time she walked into my room by accident and I offered her a drink to try to calm her down since she'd been waving that rifle around earlier. Somehow I kept hitting all these weird switches through what seemed like innocuous conversation where she'd suddenly start crying or yelling about things and I could never figure out why???
It was probably one of the more nerve-wracking conversations of my life; everything was walking on eggshells with her.
[ No, he probably doesn't have a lot of room to talk about crying and yelling, but at least there's generally a coherent train of thought behind it with him, he thinks??
...At the same time, though, he does still kind of appreciate that in some of those cases she seemed to have been genuinely upset on his behalf, which he certainly hadn't been accustomed to, so he won't trash talk her too much. ]
And I know you know, I'm just saying if you got the impression that I was nicer or more trustworthy than I was, it's because I liked you.
Maybe it runs in the family, because Battler kept spouting off nonsense too. [ Yes he's talking about when he murdered him and yes he doesn't care oops. ]
It's not only that. I think all of us who were more pragmatic than emotional got lumped together even if we're not all that similar in most cases. But I don't plan on seeing most of them ever again, really.
[ ...He's probably equal parts pragmatic and emotional himself, and even that might be too generous, but. ]
Ugh, don't remind me. They were always so self righteous about it too, acting like THEY were the reasonable ones. I still can't believe they held a whole meeting just to call us out for voting for someone who repeatedly ASKED US TO VOTE FOR HER.
I feel like I should probably check in on that chat they have once in a while just to keep myself apprised, but the one time I did log in, Battler was just going on about internet porn so I left without saying anything.
We were supposed to hold her hand and vote out someone who "deserved" it by their rigid moral code. Nevermind her increasing insanity, of course.
I guess that's what he has to do to entertain himself. Surprising, considering their behavior after we died. But maybe their relationship is as vapid as the miasma was.
Pretty much. The miasma made it difficult to feel a lot, but that didn't stop people like Sho from pining for attention constantly. It was essentially like being assaulted by negative emotions 24/7 and desperation was a popular choice.
Subete and I are used to that, so it didn't affect us the same way. We didn't share anything unless we wanted to, but we still had to deal with the sludge from everyone else.
Which dragon? Were they actually in that form a lot??
[ Assuming that was referring to Flayn or Seteth, anyway, since he doesn't know what the hell was going on... Ugh, actually getting yelled at by Seteth probably would have made him cry; he'd come close enough when it wasn't even him he was upset with. ]
Anyway, I don't blame you, I probably would have done the same. I could count the people I would have been interested in conversing with on one hand.
I distracted you from that at least a little bit, right?
Flayn and no. I don't know if she was upset about Battler or upset that Date and I were commandeering the hot tub. She settled down after she had Gio and Sho to keep her busy but being yelled at was better, actually. Roared at?
I don't know. Even if it sort of stressed me out, that was preferable to being ignored.
I know I complained about you being mean to me, but it would have felt worse if I hadn't even been worth that effort.
That looks pathetic now that I'm stuck here staring at it in text format, but whatever. And if it did make that time a bit more tolerable for you, I'm glad.
[ He has several big regrets about what happened, actually, just not this particular aspect of it... ]
Well, I'm apparently bad at letting go of things.
...And I suppose that's part of it in more ways than one, really. That you never acted like I was wrong for what I was trying to do.
If everything I've seen about my world here is actually true, then even Jade was going to give up on it. It was HIS idea and his promise in the first place, and stupid Peony still managed to talk him into believing that it was too unethical.
Well, he changed his mind for the wrong reasons and came to the wrong conclusion. And that's right, I'm the only one who knows the real him, so it's up to me to do this for him.
Anyway, if I can go back to the same time I left, I can stop him from trying that failed experiment in the first place. One positive thing I've learned from all this is that the Score isn't written in stone after all, so there's no reason things have to happen exactly that way again.
If I start doing that, you'll know it's not actually me. But changing my mind doesn't mean I gave up either.
[ They had broached this subject recently but it went a bit sideways with a personal history dump and all of that. That's probably why he needs to restate it more clearly, but it's also possible he's been doing some thinking in the time since then. ]
[ He has a pretty good idea of what Hikage is getting at with that, and he frowns down at his phone. He isn't eager to accept that decision either, but it's a very different situation anyway, and it isn't something he's ready to fight over now when it's not clear that it would even be a feasible option.
There's a substantial pause before he sends his one-word reply. ]
[ The future is ever changing, or it seems to be lately; shockingly it doesn't seem to be the worst thing either, at least for Hikage. But the specifics can be ironed out later. ]
Oh, also, when you're here, could you ask Marona at some point how she's liking it here? Like, while I'm in the shower or something and not there listening.
I'm not sure if she'd say anything to me if she was unhappy.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
reanimania) wrote2020-06-18 07:45 am
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But yes, I argued that I wouldn't have murdered my friend, and she said I didn't HAVE any friends because I just use people and don't care about anyone.
Which was INFURIATING since practically everything I ever did was for Jade's sake, so she obviously didn't know what the hell she was talking about!!!
I mean, I WAS using HER, but I'd thought that was always mutually understood, so. Whatever.
Anyway, I keep my promises when I care about them, obviously, and I won't betray anyone who's important to me.
[ just if they're not on that short list, he really doesn't care. ]
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You're really stubborn, I know, I know
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It was probably one of the more nerve-wracking conversations of my life; everything was walking on eggshells with her.
[ No, he probably doesn't have a lot of room to talk about crying and yelling, but at least there's generally a coherent train of thought behind it with him, he thinks??
...At the same time, though, he does still kind of appreciate that in some of those cases she seemed to have been genuinely upset on his behalf, which he certainly hadn't been accustomed to, so he won't trash talk her too much. ]
And I know you know, I'm just saying if you got the impression that I was nicer or more trustworthy than I was, it's because I liked you.
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It's not only that. I think all of us who were more pragmatic than emotional got lumped together even if we're not all that similar in most cases. But I don't plan on seeing most of them ever again, really.
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Ugh, don't remind me. They were always so self righteous about it too, acting like THEY were the reasonable ones. I still can't believe they held a whole meeting just to call us out for voting for someone who repeatedly ASKED US TO VOTE FOR HER.
I feel like I should probably check in on that chat they have once in a while just to keep myself apprised, but the one time I did log in, Battler was just going on about internet porn so I left without saying anything.
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I guess that's what he has to do to entertain himself. Surprising, considering their behavior after we died. But maybe their relationship is as vapid as the miasma was.
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Were you stuck sharing whatever thoughts they were having about each other? I don't think I ever really knew how that worked.
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Subete and I are used to that, so it didn't affect us the same way. We didn't share anything unless we wanted to, but we still had to deal with the sludge from everyone else.
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Well, that sounds terrible.
...No one was thinking rude things about me specifically, were they?
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? Not that I remember, but I kept as limited company as I could. Even I get bored of being yelled at, even if it's by a dragon.
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[ Assuming that was referring to Flayn or Seteth, anyway, since he doesn't know what the hell was going on... Ugh, actually getting yelled at by Seteth probably would have made him cry; he'd come close enough when it wasn't even him he was upset with. ]
Anyway, I don't blame you, I probably would have done the same. I could count the people I would have been interested in conversing with on one hand.
I distracted you from that at least a little bit, right?
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Yeah, but it was probably better for me than you.
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I know I complained about you being mean to me, but it would have felt worse if I hadn't even been worth that effort.
That looks pathetic now that I'm stuck here staring at it in text format, but whatever. And if it did make that time a bit more tolerable for you, I'm glad.
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I still don't understand why you're nice to me. But if we both don't regret anything that happened, I guess that's alright.
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Well, I'm apparently bad at letting go of things.
...And I suppose that's part of it in more ways than one, really. That you never acted like I was wrong for what I was trying to do.
If everything I've seen about my world here is actually true, then even Jade was going to give up on it. It was HIS idea and his promise in the first place, and stupid Peony still managed to talk him into believing that it was too unethical.
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He changed his mind?
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He did, and he cut ties with me completely because I wouldn't accept it. So I left and continued without him.
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1/2
Anyway, if I can go back to the same time I left, I can stop him from trying that failed experiment in the first place. One positive thing I've learned from all this is that the Score isn't written in stone after all, so there's no reason things have to happen exactly that way again.
2/2
IT'S A COMMON FIGURE OF SPEECH, I THINK YOU GET WHAT I MEAN.
All that to say I appreciate that you understand my intentions and don't give me any of that moral superiority garbage.
[ SO DON'T YOU START NOW ]
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If I start doing that, you'll know it's not actually me. But changing my mind doesn't mean I gave up either.
[ They had broached this subject recently but it went a bit sideways with a personal history dump and all of that. That's probably why he needs to restate it more clearly, but it's also possible he's been doing some thinking in the time since then. ]
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There's a substantial pause before he sends his one-word reply. ]
Right.
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I'll see you next weekend.
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Oh, also, when you're here, could you ask Marona at some point how she's liking it here? Like, while I'm in the shower or something and not there listening.
I'm not sure if she'd say anything to me if she was unhappy.
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I'm surprised she agreed to live with you actually, but I'm glad she did. The Foundation is still trash.
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